Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I may be fragile but I'm not broken
There are times when I feel very vulnerable and fragile. Most people don't know how to handle what I'm going through (so I keep it to myself). They treat you like you are broken and someone needs to glue you back together before you can be taken out and played with again. Really? I'm not diseased and dying. I'm trying to get "knocked up". Some people do it by accident in the back seat of a car when the condom breaks, I just "prefer" to do it in an office with multiple people all trying to get JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE! Now who's having more fun?? I may have "fine china", but it sure as hell is not broken.
Down the Rabbit Hole....
7/16/11
Sometimes I forget that this is all for a baby. I feel like a science experiment. Take this, you will have lots of egge. Take this, you will grow bigger eggs. Take this... you get the point. At least Alice got to smoke with a caterpillar amd have tea with a crazy person. Right now I just feel like I'm spinning down the black hole.
Sometimes I forget that this is all for a baby. I feel like a science experiment. Take this, you will have lots of egge. Take this, you will grow bigger eggs. Take this... you get the point. At least Alice got to smoke with a caterpillar amd have tea with a crazy person. Right now I just feel like I'm spinning down the black hole.
Catching up is so hard to do
I have a thousand things that need to be done. I feel like I never get caught up sometimes. I'm officially going to catch up on one of them...Catching my blog up with my life....here goes:
A sweet friend of mine gave me a journal to keep up with my IUI journey. This is my life right now. Outside of work, I juggle family (my husband and our daughter) and tons of Dr's appointments.
7/16/11
"Rome wasn't built in the 10th inning"
Well, round 2 starts today. I'm round 2, Day 3 cycle, Day 1 chlomid. Try keeping all of that straight. I hear all of the adages: hang in there, Rome wasn't built in a day, you can't win the ballgame in the 1st inning, etc., but all I hear is 3 strikes you're out. "Hang in there" Where am I hanging (other than at the end of my rope). Who cares about how long it took to build Rome, I'm American. I'm ready for this. Losing at round one was sad, but not sad enough to not move on. I'm still excited about the whole miracle and process. I want to not fall into sadness, because I want to be able to enjoy all of this. Not just parts, but ALL. I'm happy to have the chance to try to live THIS life we are making. So, here's my "adage":
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,"
(even if they are)
"Love like you'll never be hurt,"
(becaeuse you will be)
"Sing like there's nobody listening,"
(the shower's the best place for this)
"And live like it's heaven on Earth."
-Your heaven is where you find and make it!!!
A sweet friend of mine gave me a journal to keep up with my IUI journey. This is my life right now. Outside of work, I juggle family (my husband and our daughter) and tons of Dr's appointments.
7/16/11
"Rome wasn't built in the 10th inning"
Well, round 2 starts today. I'm round 2, Day 3 cycle, Day 1 chlomid. Try keeping all of that straight. I hear all of the adages: hang in there, Rome wasn't built in a day, you can't win the ballgame in the 1st inning, etc., but all I hear is 3 strikes you're out. "Hang in there" Where am I hanging (other than at the end of my rope). Who cares about how long it took to build Rome, I'm American. I'm ready for this. Losing at round one was sad, but not sad enough to not move on. I'm still excited about the whole miracle and process. I want to not fall into sadness, because I want to be able to enjoy all of this. Not just parts, but ALL. I'm happy to have the chance to try to live THIS life we are making. So, here's my "adage":
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,"
(even if they are)
"Love like you'll never be hurt,"
(becaeuse you will be)
"Sing like there's nobody listening,"
(the shower's the best place for this)
"And live like it's heaven on Earth."
-Your heaven is where you find and make it!!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Someday's Yesterday is better than tomorrow....
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a few months....ok so 15 years....
That's a story for another day. For today, let's stick with we find out in 2 days if we are going to be parents again. We have a very unconventional family and have followed whatever path it took to become a family, because in the end that's all that matters, right? "It's not the path you take to get there, it's that you get there." (my husband).
There is that dread that once again this isn't the month, so sometimes yesterday really is better than tomorrow. Yesterday gives me one more day to hope, tomorrow fills me with dread of what that hope can bring me. Hope really is a bitch. She fills you with the thoughts, hopes and dreams of what is possible all the while promising you nothing. She disappears when she doesn't fulfill any of those, but has no problem with rearing her ugly head anytime you open the door. So, for today here's to Hope-she may be a Bitch, but she is always there when you need her.
That's a story for another day. For today, let's stick with we find out in 2 days if we are going to be parents again. We have a very unconventional family and have followed whatever path it took to become a family, because in the end that's all that matters, right? "It's not the path you take to get there, it's that you get there." (my husband).
There is that dread that once again this isn't the month, so sometimes yesterday really is better than tomorrow. Yesterday gives me one more day to hope, tomorrow fills me with dread of what that hope can bring me. Hope really is a bitch. She fills you with the thoughts, hopes and dreams of what is possible all the while promising you nothing. She disappears when she doesn't fulfill any of those, but has no problem with rearing her ugly head anytime you open the door. So, for today here's to Hope-she may be a Bitch, but she is always there when you need her.
Adventures of a "Doggy Door"
Too many times I've heard, "When God closes a door he opens a window". I never totally understood this for a couple of reasons:
1: Why intentionally make things harder? A window is a lot more difficult to get into and a lot easier to break something on the fall out.
2: Why not just crawl through the doggy door? It might be a tight squeeze, but it's a start.
So, these are my ramblings of my search for my "doggy doors" in the troubles of life. They might sometimes be locked, they sometimes might seem inaccessible, they may seem like they are hidden, but they ARE there to step through when you do find them. None of this is meant to inspire or even pique anyone's interest. This is just my ramblings for me to work out in my own way. I've never blogged before so it's going to be interesting how this goes.....
1: Why intentionally make things harder? A window is a lot more difficult to get into and a lot easier to break something on the fall out.
2: Why not just crawl through the doggy door? It might be a tight squeeze, but it's a start.
So, these are my ramblings of my search for my "doggy doors" in the troubles of life. They might sometimes be locked, they sometimes might seem inaccessible, they may seem like they are hidden, but they ARE there to step through when you do find them. None of this is meant to inspire or even pique anyone's interest. This is just my ramblings for me to work out in my own way. I've never blogged before so it's going to be interesting how this goes.....
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