When you receive an "Academy Golden Grammy Mirror Ball"...

I firmly believe that when something you've worked hard for finally comes to fruition, you thank the ones that got you there. So for my acceptance speech:

I'd like to thank PREG (pregonline.com).
Dr.Nichols, the man with a plan
MK, always with a smile and positive outlook and up for a laugh
Lindsey, kind and caring with not just the good news but the bad too (lets be honest she knocked me up-lol)
Renee, tough to crack at first, but so informative and always ready to answer questions as long as I didn't google...oops
Stephanie, feels like a friend from the first day you meet her
To the vampires in the lab- not even a bite and I was there enough.
To the ladies at the front desk- always a smile, and NEVER a wait!
Jenn R, for being a hand holder, that I know and understand she can be truly happy for me and sad for herself at the same time- I love you for this. Soon, my friend, soon!
Nevaeh, I can't wait for you to be a big sister, you have waited "FOREVER". Notice I didn't say patiently.
Last, but not least, Brandon (babydaddy).... If I said there were no words you would never believe me,so.....



(Aaron Lewis "tangled up in you")

If i didn't list you, you are not forgotten. I'm sure the music is playing me off the stage by now, so goodnight!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's not official until it's facebook official...

So much for catching up before calling the presses. Brandon likes to be first at everything. If you want to know the full story start at my first entry....they're short. For the short of it we are 10 weeks pregnant. The McNeely's will have a new member in May. It has arms and legs (now looks like a turtle), moves and wiggles and is the SIZE of a GRAPE!

In the beat of a heart..

October 5

Nothing can or never will top the day that Nevaeh was born. That feeling is one that will never leave my mind or heart. I say that to say today I had my second best moment. I heard my baby's heart beat for the first time (7wks-145 for anyone that wants to speculate-lol). I was overwhelmed, because for me this is all still very surreal. I have something that resembles a chicken embryo in my uterus, but it has a heart that beats just like mine and yours. It is 9mm long and yet it has a HEART that I can hear. Am I the only one that gets a gut punch from that??


Brandon's artwork

Target with a good reason....

September 14, 2011

THIS IS THE DAY!

I woke up this morning resisting taking a test.  I thought that if I didn't take one, it would give me a little more time to hope.  So, late this evening I begrudgingly made the trip to Target to get the value pack of EPT (digital mind you....we can operate on a heart, but can't do too much better than one line two line).  When I got there I found my true reason for not testing early.  I ran into a dear friend that has been struggling with infertility as well.  I knew right then and there I was in Target for a reason.  My friend needed someone to talk to that UNDERSTOOD....that may not sound like much to many, but it's everything for someone struggling with this.  An hour later I headed home, with my test all but forgotten due to my ache for my friend.  Once home I reluctantly tested, believing that once again BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  So I peeked back in and it had flashed up PREGNANT in less than a minute....this had to be wrong.  I dropped it 3 times trying to go tell Brandon.  There was a moment or 2 when I thought I was going to stroke out I was shaking so hard.  I couldn't talk, so I dropped it in his pocket (baggy...couldn't even tell lol).  When he finally found it--"You're pregnant?!?!" well yes this was the goal.....

NEVAEH'S 8th Birthday Extravaganza

9/10/11

It's hard to believe that it has been 8 years since that first moment she was born. I fall in love with her a little more every day. She is every piece of everything good in my life. Birthday's are a big thing in our house. There were bouncy houses, tons of kids, 100's of cupcakes, magician and memories. I know that there are many more memories to be made, but I love to live in the moments that make them. Pics to follow when I actually get them on this computer-ha!!





The first pics of our possible family of 4 :)

Something normal

9/3/11

Brandon's "Have a Heart" 2nd annual poker run was today.  It has been forever since we did something that just felt normal together.  It's all been work or doctors, today was a little piece of normal.  It was a moment of reflection on how far Brandon has come in 2 years.  I'm so blessed to have a husband that has defied odds once again, and a beautiful daughter that has every piece of my heart.  It brought tears to my eyes to see the amount of people that came out to support my husband.  I did have one moment that let me think of what could be.  When we were riding between stops, I leaned forward and told Brandon "This could be our baby's first bike ride".  He said he had already thought of that.  It was a perfect day (well, if I hadn't had to rush to work)!!!

Time to try again

8/31/11

We tried to make you today, I had my second IUI.  You could right now be forming in Mommy's tummy.  We will know after Nevaeh's birthday.  September 14th is our day.  Sometimes it really does all come down to one single tiny defining moment.  I hope this is ours.  All the meds, belly bruises and tears will be worth it (hopefully sooner than later).  I feel really good about this cycle (timing and gut). So for now I get to pretend you are in there: I'll take my vitamins, eliminate caffeine and everything else to make you healthy.  So, if there's a chance of you forming in there, hang on little one and STICK FIRMLY!!!  I'll do everything I can to keep you in there until I can hold you in my arms.

Daddy told you the same thing-he loves you already too.  Nevaeh doesn't know about you yet (she knows we talked to a Dr about you), but I can't wait to tell her she will be a big sister!

Dropped but not forgotten

8/24/11

So, it's been awhile....my last round was "dropped" because I had disagreeable eggs-HA!  This is code for your eggs suck this time let's try again.

So here we are day 10- 5 days chlomid, 2 Gonal-F shots later and all I so is cry.  I can be driving down the road and tears well up for no apparent reason.  I'm tired-just ran a marathon tired- for doing nothing.  I'm frustrated from the crying and the tired.  I walk into the nursery and find it still empty.  That's what keeps me going- knowing I want it filled.

Sucker punched

July 28
Take me out of the game, with 3 minutes left to play...

So found out today I would be "cycling out" today.  This in layman's terms means I was taken out of the ball game before the final buzzer.  It's the athlete that has scored time after time, but with 30 seconds left is benched.  They don't get to revel in the adrenaline of the victory in those last seconds.  I wish I could say this is for the best, but right now it just sucks!

I feel like all of this is taking me farther from "you" and I'm anxious to meet you.  I'm disappointed and fearful that the closer I get to the holidays the harder it will be for me to schedule appointments to get you here.  I can't wait to win at this new game.  Are you going to be a boy? or just a sporty girl? lol.  I hate sports metaphors and I don't know where they are coming from.

If you jump through the looking glass...7 years bad luck?

July 17
Have you ever looked at a shattered mirror?  When you look in it you know that it's your reflection, but can only tell it by certain parts.  There is more room for scrutiny because you are looking at each little section that shows each and every flaw.  You know you are still there, but know that you need to change some of the pieces.  That's how this process seems to work as well.  Overall I'm still me, but there are the cranky and the tired parts that I don't like and would love to fix.  Luckily mine will eventually mend itself and I don't have 7 years of bad luck to contend with at least.

I may be fragile but I'm not broken

There are times when I feel very vulnerable and fragile.  Most people don't know how to handle what I'm going through (so I keep it to myself).  They treat you like you are broken and someone needs to glue you back together before you can be taken out and played with again.  Really?  I'm not diseased and dying.  I'm trying to get "knocked up".  Some people do it by accident in the back seat of a car when the condom breaks, I just "prefer" to do it in an office with multiple people all trying to get JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE!  Now who's having more fun??  I may have "fine china", but it  sure as hell is not broken.

Down the Rabbit Hole....

7/16/11
Sometimes I forget that this is all for a baby.  I feel like a science experiment.  Take this, you will have lots of egge.  Take this, you will grow bigger eggs.  Take this... you get the point.  At least Alice got to smoke with a caterpillar amd have tea with a crazy person.  Right now I just feel like I'm spinning down the black hole.

Catching up is so hard to do

I have a thousand things that need to be done.  I feel like I never get caught up sometimes.  I'm officially going to catch up on one of them...Catching my blog up with my life....here goes:

A sweet friend of mine gave me a journal to keep up with my IUI journey.  This is my life right now.  Outside of work, I juggle family (my husband and our daughter) and tons of Dr's appointments.

7/16/11
"Rome wasn't built in the 10th inning"
Well, round 2 starts today.  I'm round 2, Day 3 cycle, Day 1 chlomid.  Try keeping all of that straight.  I hear all of the adages: hang in there, Rome wasn't built in a day, you can't win the ballgame in the 1st inning, etc.,  but all I hear is 3 strikes you're out.  "Hang in there" Where am I hanging (other than at the end of my rope).  Who cares about how long it took to build Rome, I'm American.  I'm ready for this. Losing at round one was sad, but not sad enough to not move on.  I'm still excited about the whole miracle and process.  I want to not fall into sadness, because I want to be able to enjoy all of this. Not just parts, but ALL.  I'm happy to have the chance to try to live THIS life we are making.  So, here's my "adage":
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,"
(even if they are)
"Love like you'll never be hurt,"
(becaeuse you will be)
"Sing like there's nobody listening,"
(the shower's the best place for this)
"And live like it's heaven on Earth."
-Your heaven is where you find and make it!!!

Someday's Yesterday is better than tomorrow....

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a few months....ok so 15 years....
That's a story for another day.  For today, let's stick with we find out in 2 days if we are going to be parents again.  We have a very unconventional family and have followed whatever path it took to become a family, because in the end that's all that matters, right?  "It's not the path you take to get there, it's that you get there." (my husband). 

There is that dread that once again this isn't the month, so sometimes yesterday really is better than tomorrow.  Yesterday gives me one more day to hope, tomorrow fills me with dread of what that hope can bring me.  Hope really is a bitch.  She fills you with the thoughts, hopes and dreams of what is possible all the while promising you nothing.  She disappears when she doesn't fulfill any of those, but has no problem with rearing her ugly head anytime you open the door.  So, for today here's to Hope-she may be a Bitch, but she is always there when you need her. 

Adventures of a "Doggy Door"

Too many times I've heard, "When God closes a door he opens a window".   I never totally understood this for a couple of reasons:
1: Why intentionally make things harder?  A window is a lot more difficult to get into and a lot easier to break something on the fall out.
2: Why not just crawl through the doggy door?  It might be a tight squeeze, but it's a start.

So, these are my ramblings of my search for my "doggy doors" in the troubles of life.  They might sometimes be locked, they sometimes might seem inaccessible, they may seem like they are hidden, but they ARE there to step through when you do find them.  None of this is meant to inspire or even pique anyone's interest.  This is just my ramblings for me to work out in my own way.  I've never blogged before so it's going to be interesting how this goes.....